About last night...

Last night I had a delicious dinner. I had peas and whole wheat noodles with dry curd cottage cheese (my grandmother's recipe altered to fit my new lifestyle!) I roasted some grass fed, free range chickens. The first time I roasted one of these completely natural chickens it was horrible. I mean horrible. Inedible! I bought this chicken over the weekend from the farmer's market. The name of the farm and a website was on the label. I went to the website because I was curious. The farmer had an entire page devoted to how to cook his chickens! He said at the outset that if you try to roast his chickens quickly and at a high temperature like we're told to do now by all the important and famous chefs of the moment you will get a chicken that resembles a hockey puck in texture. He used the words hocky and puck together. Well, I sat up and took notice because, in fact, I had turned his chicken into a hockey puck and was sorely disappointed. I figured I would just turn all of those chickens into soup. They were delicious in soup. So, after reading the roasting directions on line from the man himself, I put my two thawed chicken halves into a roasting dish, squeezed a lemon over them, salted and peppered them, put a pat of butter on each, and slid them into the oven for 3 hours at 300 degrees. They were delicious! Moist, tender, crispy skin on top. Just delicious! Low and slow!

When I put the bowl of whole wheat noodles and dry cottage cheese on the table my oldest daughter got excited. Food she was used to! At last! And then she tasted it. It's good...she said. But I prefer regular egg noodles. But it's close enough. Whole wheat pasta has a different taste and texture than regular eggs noodles. She was right. Good. Close. Not the old favorite.

Eating the low carb way to lose weight and lower my blood glucose levels make sense. I don't want to take medications like that. I want to be in control of my body and my health. But it's difficult. The internet is full of information that doesn't always say the same things. There are tons of books...confusing.

The truest thing I've read about eating a healthy low carb diet is that you have to make everything from scratch. And even that is difficult because the world is full of chemicals and sugar. Everywhere.

My youngest daughter is following the low carb diet with us. Very closely. Her birthday is in less than a month. She would love a vanilla cake with buttercream icing. But she doesn't want to eat it because of how much of a cheat that will be on her new life diet. I'd like to make her a small one and have all of us eat a healthy portion of it. I can't think about the possibility that I will never eat a piece of cake again.

I was discussing the birthday cake issue with my husband. He asked if he could have a particular favorite cake that I make. I told him it's very high in carbs but I could work on lowering them. No, he said simply. He said he doesn't need to eat that cake again. I snapped. I said that I can't do this and live the rest of my life not being able to eat certain foods that I love, not only for how they taste but for what they represent in my family, my life, I can't think about not ever eating these foods again. Not ever? I know that sounds like I'm a spoiled child. What if eating that food would cause an allergic reaction...well of course, that's different. I'm allergic to chocolate. I don't eat it. Ever. But the spectrum is too big now. He doesn't understand how I feel about food...and I don't understand how he does. To him it's fuel to keep his body alive...to me the process of cooking, the pairing of flavors ...that's life. I can remember what was on my hospital tray just after I'd given birth to my first child. Life isn't food...but food is life.

I will continue to eat my salads for lunch (and dinner). I will continue to cut out carbs and calculate what I eat. I will continue to test my glucose level twice a day. But I am waiting for the day that I can have a cheese steak, a slice of pizza, a warm bagel. I have to believe that day is coming. I have to.