all grown up!

Today is a quiet day...sort of. The contractor's son is working on staining the mahogany trim and the contractor himself is painting oldest child's bedroom. Well, he's getting ready to. There are no saws or nail guns pounding so it's very quiet. It's warm and sunny. Flowers are blooming. Trees are blooming. A nice breeze is blowing. Everything is covered with green pollen. If you stand still long enough you'll be covered too. But it's warm in the sun and that's nice.

I'm working on bills and filing and generally cleaning up my desk and "office". Things have a way of piling up. I wish I was one of those people who has hard and fast rules of conduct and behavior for living each day. You know...when the mail comes in I write a check, file the paperwork, shred the garbage. I actually know people who eat the same food on the same day of the week...EVERY WEEK! I wonder what it feels like to think you have that much control over your life. I don't think I have much if any control and I don't want to. If we're here for a finite time then let's live with infinite experiences.

My contractor and I are very close in age and our children are too. We talk quite a bit about the world and politics and a lot about our children. (And you thought this blog was just about salad and my contractor was just about constructing the porch!) Today he seemed a little distressed. His kids are taking all his energy. Now...his kids and mine are in their 20s...no little babies these. His middle child, a young woman, has lived with him all her life. Her boyfriend has lived there for seven years. They have a toddler and they've just bought a house. They've never given him anything for the time and food or anything else they require to live there. Now she's moving to a home of her own and in the summer she is going to marry her boyfriend. And she calls her father all day long. Let's do this. Do this for me. Make a decision about this for me. He says he's had it...but. He's the dad and he still helps her whenever she asks. We all do that for our kids. They're our flesh and blood. They're a piece of us for the future. But they are exhausting sometimes. I told him my theory (and now I'll tell you)...I think our children don't really grow up completely until they see us, their parents, as people. It's hard for our children to imagine that we've had hopes and dreams and disappointments and heartache. It's hard for them to believe that, at the end of a long a tiring day, we just want to sit still somewhere and not move and that putting in a new kitchen for them or having an opinion for them, while it gives up joy to be able to, is not relaxing and not always fun. It's hard work and tiring being parents. And the older your children get the harder it is. Give me diapers and teething any time. Likewise our children never see us age...we're young and then we're too old. We're human beings. We have hopes and dreams and disappointments and heartaches (often to do with our children). We are flawed and want perfection. We are helpless and want control. My children are great. They are gainfully employed and generally wonderful people. And they often exhaust me. And I can't imagine life without them. Whatya' gonna' do?

Today's salad is a simple one. Some tuna. Bibb lettuce. Tomato. A little cheese. A couple of olives. I'm weary today. I'm weary of this diet I follow. I'm weary of having so much to do and never seeming to accomplish anything. I'm weary of being all grown up and still not getting everything I want. And even though I am weary, not tired, I'll keep plugging along. That's what we grown ups do.